If You Ask Me

Letters to Santa

(psst: what's a Zhu Zhu? click on Samson to find out!)

QnA: Breast-Case Scenario

I've seen a lot of boobs; and I swear that's not as perverted as it sounds. I'm a girl, which equates to over a decade of seeing women in locker rooms, some a little too naked for my taste. I also, having grown up in the US, have seen a lot of boobs in movies, especially big fat fake ones. So late last night I got to thinking about boobs, and women's boobs in particular. I thought I'd take a quick reader's poll about your fave boobs. Please respond in the comments.

When it comes to boobs, to you pick:

size or symmetry?

nipple circumference or nipple protrusion?

unusual color (i.e., dark nips on a light-skinned girl, red nips on a dark-skinned girl), or unusual orientation (i.e., boobs that point left and right instead of straight)?

Bumpy nipples or hairy boobs?

Breast implant scars or breast reduction scars?

So awesome and so true

Food Coma

Remember when your little brother started showing up to Thanksgiving dinner stoned? Samson's kinda like that.

Are you fucking kidding me

The white one. threw. up. on. me. THREW. UP. on ME. In the middle of the night. On my arm. On the bed. Fat old little bitch cat. God dammit.

AMAs: A Quick Style Lesson

I'm not fully clear on what the AMAs are, or who votes for the winners, and frankly I don' care. I was flipping through the photos at work today, however, and I want to point out some thing to you, dear readers.

This is hot:

       

Ne-yo's looking very stylish, the hat and glasses don't overwhelm his face, and the studded shirt and jacket lapels are freaking awesome. His date is sexy and classy, wearing a bright color that nicely offsets his neutral tones.

This is not hot:

Vince Neil here is a study in the art of Aging Rockstar Tacky. Sunglasses at night, Matrix trench coat (that is SHINY no less), hardcore Hot Topic necklace and silk shirt unbuttoned just low enough to reveal an over-sunned chest and a fading tattoo. If I saw him on the street I'd probably think he was either a Russian oil baron circa 1983 or a gay Boondock Saint.

His girlfriend is obviously not so great at subtlety, judging by the super-sized order of silicone she pumped into her boobs (just 79 cents more than D-cup!). Lady, I know you can't help the size or your forehead but really, grow out some BANGS. I keep expecting to see bolts coming out of her neck, what with that Frankenstein's Monster-sized thing over her eyebrows. And speaking of eyebrows, those need to grow out some more. With a dress that backless, essentially frontless, and covered in some embellishments that look to be floral, I don't know what her intended focal point of this outfit was, but everywhere my eye rests I go cross-eyed. 

So, once again: Dapper is hot, trying too hard is not.

Friday Humor Roundup

I've been under the weather for the last six days or so. Some vomiting, lots of fatigue, and to top it all off this cat looks like my Pixie but I would never catch Pixie doing anything remotely close to sitting like a fat ass human or anything else equally cool. It's enough to make me depressed. Plus Samson puked up the trash can plastic this morning and made me late for work.

So here are some things which, if you ask me, ought to make you smile. They sure as hell brightened my week.

This video:

This enthusiastic ode to gourds over at McSweeney's

Last but not least, this woman who put on her church wig to shop at Walmart: 

Seriously though, is that a wasp's nest glued to a cumulus cloud? If I saw this in person, I might just call 911 under the mistaken impression that this lady was being slowly eaten by a jellyfish while shopping for what appears to be fabric bolts.  

Trash Cat, or Fat Kid in a Little Can

I'm often asked about my cats, because they have health problems, but mostly because they're really fucking weird. I observed Samson spend over ten minutes this morning trying to get into this trash can.

I'm sure you're wondering what tuna- or catnip-infused treat I snuck in there to get him to so desperately want into the trash. Nope. Behold the contents:

He just loves to chew on plastic that much. If any of you remember the Christmas ribbon incident of '07, you know that if he actually succeeded in eating any of this I will come home tonight to a giant puddle of papery-plasticy-food-stolen-from-Pixie vomit.

Cigarette holder

I don't smoke, but if you ask me, these skull holders almost make me wish I did. Get them at Unica Home.

Mild Hate

I used to have a blog called The Hater which was dedicated to everything in this world that I hate - 'tweens, Hipsters, coconut, fashion catalog copywriters, smelly dogs, you get the drift.

Then a strange thing happened - I ran out of things to be hateful about. It took about a year of daily posts, but it did occur and the blog was shut down. Well, I'm happy to report that my hatefulness, after several months of lying dormant, is reemerging, sniffing the crisp air, and slaughtering baby Humpback whales before retiring to Puget Sound to birth calves. Or something.

Due to lack of time, however, I'm just going to list the shit I'm hating right now:

Marketing calls - both the ones I make and the ones I receive

My external hard drive that broke after 2 years, and everyone saying that's normal for external hard drives

Kardashians

People who talk about how hot they are

My deteriorating memory/eyesight/joints

The sun setting at 5pm

Ah, that was pretty cathartic actually. This Granny's gonna hit the hay now and try to be up early enough to actually post a decent blogging.